My LIfe As I See It.

It's not quite what I expected for myself.  Two divorces, living with someone who has so much baggage it's starting to wear me down and a job that will go nowhere. 

But it's not all bad, I have my health right? OK.  My kids are relatively happy, I try to give them what their hearts desire.  Sometimes I can't but they understand why.  I have a roof over my head that I co-own with my partner and the bank.  So that's good right? I can pay my bills, slowly but they get paid and sometimes I have a little left over so I can give a sigh of relief.

Yet...I'm not happy.  It's not what I hoped for.  It's not how I envisioned my life at this point in time.  I'm 43 years old, far as I can figure I'm half way through this life.  What do I have to show for it? What legacy will I leave my kids? Is it too late for me?  I have so many questions and no clue as to the answers.

I deal with issues that really have nothing to do with me yet have been placed in my lap because the person who should be handling it refuses.  I fight for just a little bit of peace and stability and it's yanked out from under me by unscrupulous individuals who for selfish reasons are hell bent on seeking revenge and I'm caught in the cross fire.

I've made my position clear but it falls on deaf ears.  Avoidance is the best policy for some I guess...go around the obstacle, avoid confrontation unless of course that confrontation is with me, apparently an easier target.  Story of my life, I've been manipulated and used by the best and worst of them and it's really starting to piss me off.

So where do I go from here?  I don't know.  Do I stay or run away yet again?  Do I start over for the third time?  Will it really be better?  They say third time's a charm, so I'm hoping.

It's February 2019 I'm 51 now and I have to say, third time is DEFINITELY a cham!!! The situation is far behind me by almost six years now.  My kids are young adults making their way through life with little assistance from me and I found true unconditional love with a wonderful man, one who loves me enough to have married me.  So yes, for me it took three tries!  

Oh how my life is a million times better now! No drama, money in the bank, a beautiful home, a fantastic job, the best husband on the planet and NO MORE STRESS!! OMG had I known when I wrote the above this is what my life would be like, I'd have said...dream on!  I would have thought I'd have a better chance at winning the lottery...well, I kinda did, the love and stability lottery!

So for anyone thinking things will never get better, trust me, have faith that they will and you'll see, it can happen for you too!

T.
Oh, and if at 43 I thought I was half done?  Nope, I'm living past 100 if my life stays this awesome!

Finally 13!

From the moment my son turned 12 one year ago today he could not wait to be 13.  A real teenager.  He was so anxious for this day that on the first day of school he decided that it was close enough to his birthday that he could actually claim the number as his own.  Unfortunately he was reminded by a few people, me included, that he wasn't officially 13 until today September 22 at 2:37 in the afternoon to be exact.

The kids are at their dad's this week and today is picture day for my son so I made sure to get to their dads early enough to make sure he looked half decent.  His current favourite look is an almost copy of Billy Joe Armstrong from the band Green Day with the exception of the black hair and eyeliner my son is sporting a button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up and a black tie (clip on mind you but a tie none the less in his opinion).  I'm thinking there will be a retake of today's photo sometime in October at which time I will convince him to at least look half human.  You never know though, both my kids are photogenic, a  trait NOT inherited from their mother so my concern might be for not.

This morning I wished him happy birthday and we set about getting him ready.  He didn't really comment or seem overly excited, I think all the anticipation leading up to this day fell flat when he woke up and there was no mysterious transformation.  Not that I think he thought there would be but knowing my son he probably figured he'd at least feel different if not look different.  The one real difference now is that when he says he's 13 it's no longer wishful thinking it's the truth.

So to my baby boy born September 22, 1998 at 2:37pm weighing 8lbs 2oz HAPPY 13th BIRTHDAY may this year be a year of spectacular transformation as he navigates the teen waters and evolves into the wonderful young man I know he's destine to be.

Tammy.

Drama Queen

OMG I know my fair share of "drama queens" but there is one who is hands down the "Queen of the drama queens" in fact this person makes other drama queens appear nothing more than drama princesses at best.

This queen will likely never read this and that's OK, who cares? I'm writing it anyway in an attempt to get it out of my head because recent events have dictated I do so. 

Through the grape vine I heard of the latest drama and I have to ask how much is self inflicted.  When we constantly put out "pity me" vibes you know what happens right?  You become a victim at every turn.  I have a relatively normal quiet life.  Drama doesn't follow me around not usually anyway.  I'm also pretty easy going sometimes to my detriment.  I'm okay with that because I would rather not live in a constant state of sympathy mongering and self imposed pity parties.  Nor would I drag my kids along with me.

The queen in this scenario is and always will be a victim because that's what they ask for.  They put themselves in situations despite being warned where they are faced with situations most everyone else would only hear about on the news.  Nope not this queen, this queen is smack dab in the middle of it because of a long series of really bad decisions.  This queen needs to rethink their choices and make some fundamental changes in their perceptions of the world.

Time and time again I shake my head at the events I hear about and think.  "Figures"  It really does, it's no surprise the drama this queen encounters, in a way I think they look for it, they attract it because with out the drama they are not the "special person" they think they are.  Believe me this person is a big time attention seeker all over the place.  One day it will bite them in the ass, I guarantee.

What gets me is this, when will this person realise that all this drama is a direct and indirect result of their actions?  Are they really that blind?  Do they really not see that they are in control of their destiny and not at the mercy of some unseen force?  If you sit and wait for crap to happen then you deserve all the crap that's placed in your lap.  If they get off their ass and make a real effort they can affect the change that is required to live a less dramatic life.  But then the attention will go away too.

Either way, this attention seeking, sympathy mongering, drama queen will never understand that it is they who are creating the chaos they live in and the constant state of "trauma". Unless they are willing to help themselves there is no help or hope for them.  And that's really too bad, because life can be wonderful and relaxed and trauma free and rather quite enjoyable, as long as you lose the drama queen persona and just be normal, or as normal as possible.

I guess, I was given lots of attention as a child because I certainly don't crave attention, in fact the more under the wire the better.  So to all the drama queens out there who might be reading this...really?  Do you really think all this drama is a good thing?  Really?

T.

My Darling Son

As any mother can relate I love my children unconditionally.  I carried both of them for nine-ish months, gave birth to them, I would give my life for them and do it happily.  This will be hard for some to understand but as a mother my love for my children will always come first.

So today, as I was writing my blog about being a crusader my son called me in tears.  When I asked him why he was upset he explained that it's because he just realised what an awesome mom he had and he's sad because he didn't realise that before.

All together now....AWWWWWE!

My tender hearted son is upset because he didn't realise it.  I tried to sooth him the best I could over the phone.  I told him that I know he loves me and that not matter what I will always love him.  I may get angry at a behaviour but I will always love him.  I don't know if it helped but by the end of the conversation he wasn't so weepy.

This one phone call made me realise that he is the reason I am a crusader.  For him I would fight to the death.  You cross my tender hearted son, you will deal with momma bear.  Mark my words it will not be pretty.

My son has issues as many of you know.  He struggles daily to be as good as he can be.  He's not always successful but he tries.  There are days when I want to ship both my kids off to boarding school, my daughter is all for it.  My son, not so much.  The fact of the matter is, no matter how frustrated I get with either of them they are and always will be my babies, and the absolute owners of my heart.  It's a big heart there's room for everyone, but they are the main inhabitants.  Guests are always welcome.

I'm so very blessed to have two such remarkable kids.  My life would be meaningless without them and I am honoured they chose me as their mother.  I will do my best to do right by them and will sacrifice everything I have for their happiness.  My son's one phone call was all I needed to know that I am a good mom, I am worthy of them. Anyone who has a differing opinion can go pound sand because the two most important people in my life love me back as much as I love them.

T.

Let's Try This Again.

For whatever reason, I cannot access my original Random Thoughts so consider it officially retired.  Luckily before all these issues started I imported the entire file to my computer and am able to resurrect it here on my new blog.

So as of now, Random Thoughts is now All Right Already and I will be adding to it as I have always my rants and raves about life and all the joys and crap it throws at me.  I have chosen a few I will not be posting because they are far more personal than I should have posted and for that reason will remain unpublished.

Thanks,
Tammy.

Grrrr

This is the umpteenth time I have re-started my blog on this site because for whatever reason after a few days I can't get in any longer.  It's unbelievably frustrating and all the work I've put in appears to be inaccessible.  I have no idea why!

T.

My Blog

So I was just scrolling through my blogs and there are a few consistencies I would like to change. 

First, I've noticed that most of my posts are not as positive or helpful as I would have liked, a little ranty and self centred. Sorry.

Second, OMG can I ramble on!  Who wants to read countless paragraphs about what rattles around in my head.  The thought behind Random Thoughts was just that random but not so heavy and from what I'm seeing that's not the direction I went.  It looks something like a boring self help book designed to help no one.

Today I've decided to either change how I write or retire Random Thoughts completely and do something different with my blog.

I've thumbed through some of the blogs on this site and there are allot of really interesting people out there with some really great insight and I look at mine and I think "what am I really offering?" 

I'll keep everyone posted with my decision.

With much love, light and new ideas,
Tammy.